This monologue was inspired by the jumping man of Wimbledon. I really enjoyed writing this- hope you enjoy reading it!
The Jumping Bum
People of this City, do you know me? Of course you do. People of the City, of course you do! I'm that abnormal jumping bum and every night I travel to a different street in this city and I do what I love to do. I do the only thing I know how to do. I jump. You see me jump. You laugh at me. You point too. You watch on. I jump. I jump because I am the jumping bum and because I love jumping. I love drinking whiskey too and eating spoonfuls of sugar, but I like jumping best. That boy needs therapy! Sir, I jump through time and reality and I often jump into different spheres of existing. I jump on your bed- every night when you're not there. I break into your house and I jump on your bed. Sometimes I take my shoes off, sometimes I don't. I won't apologise.
People of this City, it's all in the jump. Its about how high you can go, how low you can drop- its about the satisfaction of the execution of that one perfect jump. It's the taste of that jump, it tastes so sweet. Oh if only you knew! It's about getting high- naturally, mentally, physically, astronomically and geologically and it's the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane. As I jump, sometimes I looks at your faces, ah the shock, as I quietly speed forwards, your heart jumps, your body follows and then I jump. It's knowing when to jump and what to jump over, you have to pick the right moment. Do you know people, my raggedy and tangled ginger hair jumps with me, every strand of it, and this old bomber jacket, green and crusty jumps too, it sticks to my body, the muscles tighten and I jump. You're a nut! You're crazy in the coconut! It's that sublime satisfaction I receive; lucid and transitory, of being out the system- your system. Your system of not jumping- of taking strides, walking, maybe running. You're system doesn't allow for you to hop or leap or fart or jump. I do all of these. I take great pleasure from doing all of these. I am a jumper. I jump higher every time. I pounce like a tiger on all those unsuspecting benches and you gazelles look on, innocent human deer, doe-eyed afraid, afraid of jumping and afraid of someone who jumps. People, you are afraid of me! Admit it, you are afraid I will jump on you, or over you. My jumping scares you, it shakes you to the core, some of you at least, maybe a few. How can you be so easily rattled by me. It's just jumping. I'm only jumping. I'm the jumping bum, you see I jump- it's who I am. It's me. I jump I jump. That boy needs therapy, psychosomatic. That boy needs therapy, purely psychosomatic. That boy needs therapy.
And as I do, jump that is, thousands of images cross this mind, as I leap, the skyscrapers leap too, they uproot, themselves, and the trees and we jump in a line. The pebble falls in and makes a splash, that clever pebble, it jumps into the water and the waters jump up too, millions of drops, they jump, I jump and the sea waves too- one great raging jump, I jump in rage and I when I jump, I see the children on the trampolines in far off countries jump, every coloured child jumps and I jump and I jump and as I jump I feel connected to all those other jumpers, to the droplets of water and the skyscraper in my mind, the rubble flies, it doesn't jump. It thumps you on the head. It knocks you to the ground. You're stumped non-jumper. And do you know, children, I sometimes think of Carlton and Will in Fresh Prince jumping on it. Jump on it. I jump, they jump too, and so do the kangaroos. And I like leaping and dropping and the jockeys on their horses they jump. He was white as a sheet. And he also made false teeth. I jump off ladders at nightfall and cars too- the alarm goes off, noise waves start jumping onwards and onwards and I run. I run and jump. The light jumps too sometimes, them neon lights and the street lights too, they refract, they jump. You people laugh at my jumping but sometimes you're scared too. Did I say that already? Did I say that you're scared I'll jump you. Jump. Life is about jumping. It's about making that jump. Stop being a lump, stop being a silly lump and jump, higher and higher. It feels good. Trust me. I would not lie to you people. I want you to jump once so you will understand what it means. That boy needs therapy, psychosomatic. What it means to jump. I want you to feel that rush you get as you zip down that street through the crowds and you make a jump, any jump and you think about the next one.
I grab a red-bull or a can of coke or something on the way, nick it, it's in the pocket, that baggy pocket, if I drop it, I'll open the can and that liquid will jump, a frenzy of fizz will run down. Jumping, you see, it's all about building yourself up and letting yourself go. It's a metaphor for life you know. You know it is- my life, your life, the afterlife, the life of a star, the life of a tree. People, don't you know that trees jump, their wooden arms and legs in the wind, but its not the kind of jump you would understand. I jump because I'm happy. I jump because I'm free. I jump because I can. I jump when I need a wee. I have legs. I have strong legs that are good for jumping. They're made for jumping. Life is a series of jumps, fast and unpredictable. It's about breaking away from your oppressive rules, you know what I'm saying. A jump of joy, the decent of loneliness. I go, I go, I go- over bins, over benches, over ladders and over fences- over any obstacle big enough, small enough. Oh it's about the raggedness of the jump- that crazed jerky madness- freeze frame, I stop, I look, I go, I go, I go- like that one superhero. Did I mention it's about being high, mentally and physically high. I sigh, I die, I jump. I jump. I jump. I jump. That boy needs therapy, psychosomatic! I like the darkness, the traffic, the lights, I like the herds of white horses, galloping forwards, with me, thud, thud, thud. Oh it's the release, the freedom. It's passing over another hurdle. I've passed over so many. The challenge, the jump. I am a jumping bum- an Olympiad of sorts. Where are my medals? I bet you stole them!
My thoughts are jumping now, the moon I wonder is it drawing me in. I'm lunar, the tides are jumping, drawing closer, drawing further away. Oh and there goes another shooting stars, it jumps across the sky, a bounding leap and I jump with it and I am a shooting star and I will make it. I jump from the lifeboat to safety, away from death. I jump. There are no boundaries. Sir, care to tell me what better thing there is to do in life than jump? I've jumped all over. Can you think of anything else that talks, other than a person? Hello hello hello hello Ha ha ha ha ha !!!! I jump in my dreams when I sleep. The world jumps with me, one gigantic synchronised jump, seven billion people and we jump and we jump and we all dart and we all search and we all jump. You didn't understand a single word of that, did you?