There, in the mosque at night, after a long hard day, after a long hard day...a long...and hard... day...
I couldn't conjure up a single reason to stay.
I couldn't think of a single person I could call.
I couldn't think of a single person I could talk to.
I decided then, I would never leave that mosque.
For my bones hurt from running too fast, my hair was still damp from the time I fell in too deep, my heart was somewhere else... somewhere far away... and so I just sat there... listening to the men below chant and sing their praises to God and the prophets and eternity... their words consoled, they rolled on and on and on like waves... after a shit day, after the shittest of all days... the sort of day when all you know is that the whole world wants you to fuck up and all you want... is to not... fuck up.... I stayed there forever, listening to the chanting and watching through tired eyes as the Turks rejoiced....
.....I broke down, quietly, in the shadows... I broke down in tears...
Then my phone flashed on the carpet in front of me, and I picked it up and read a message
Maybe the sadness will never go for some souls. The sadness of being present and not present, from living and not living, from wanting and not wanting. Some days it can easily be managed to live and live a normal life but sometimes it's so unbearable. The only things that make sense to me right now is running in the rain. Just running. Moving and breathing.
I couldn't breathe....
...Maria? I'm sitting in the mosque alone..crying... wondering why this sad feeling never goes away... Are you an angel? I told Him I've never felt so alone...
How did you just know?
I didn't. I just spoke my heart to the one who knows the language of all hearts. Today was an unbearable day. I barely got through it.....Sy, Allah hears, Allah knows. He knows. Hold on. He's with you right now.
Today was so so so so hard....
I know. I know Sy. I want to tell you that it's going to be okay. But all I know right now is I know.... I know.
